Healing my Feminine through Menstrual Cycle Awareness

If you’d have told me a few years ago that I’d be openly talking about periods with my friends, family and on social media I would have laughed. After being on the pill for most of my adult life (10 years!?) I only ever saw my periods as an inconvenience and it just felt like the ‘done thing’ to pump your body with artificial hormones to ‘deal’ with it. Not realising that by doing this I was changing not only my hormonal balance but my own chemistry. That seemingly small decision would affect my energy levels, mental health, appetite and even what ‘mate’ I chose (might explain some of my exes!). But really, as a 15 year old sat in a doctor's office complaining of bad cramps - you’re going to say yes to the ‘magic pill’. Fast forward ten years, after a break up I started to question my choices and why the fuck I just kept taking this pill without thought. I stopped. And started to learn the many reasons why the pill is not such a great idea. I will save that for another post!

@fulltangvisual

I expected my period to just come back but I waited, waited and waited. During that time, I fell into disordered eating and over-exercising, it was a way of coping with the sheer overwhelm I felt. I hadn’t yet found a way to deal with my emotions, from a young age I developed the belief that it was best to keep those to yourself. So in times of stress, I would turn to controlling my food and exercise as a way to feel like I had a hold on life. I had created so many rules for myself that they began to dictate what I could/couldn’t do and were accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame for anytime I stepped outside of these.

The sad thing was that as time went on and my body lost its curves, I was praised by people for looking ‘great’ and the ‘best I ever had’ and this only fuelled me further. It's not their fault but sadly as a society we’ve been programmed to think it's okay, even ‘normal’ to comment on people's weight. I looked ‘great’ on the outside but no one knew about the brain fog, the exhaustion at the end of the day or those when I couldn’t get out of bed because my adrenals had crashed. Nor that I hadn’t had a period for two years (12 in reality as the pill isn’t a real bleed). The term for this is secondary amenorrhea. I went to several doctors appointments, blood tests and scans and was later mis-diagnosed with PCOS. I remember being asked about diet and exercise but was never questioned too much. It was only when my family started to prod about it that my defensive reaction was a sign that I knew it was playing a part. Around this time I also started practicing Yoga. I regularly went to two classes, one which felt like a moving meditation which left me feeling re-fuelled and another Ashtanga style practice that fuelled my punishing regime. I knew deep down which one felt better for me. Fast forward and I left for India. Still in this unhealthy cycle. Still no period.

@fulltangvisual

@fulltangvisual

After I returned, I knew things had to change. Pushing myself to the limits all the time was not serving me AT ALL. As I slowed down, signs of my cycle returning started to happen and later that year I had my first period in two years (12!). I’d never been so happy to see it, so over the moon that I vowed to do what I could to never lose my cycle again. Last year marked that turning point for me. I became unstuck from the unhealthy cycle of under-eating and over-exercising. And gained a regular period in return. Learning about Menstrual Cycle Awareness (MCA) was that point. Understanding the different phases of my menstrual cycle and how they affected me physically, emotionally and spiritually has made space for me to start healing my relationship with my feminine. A side of me I suppressed for many years for fear of being told I’m too ‘sensitive’ or too ‘emotional’ as if they were ‘bad’ traits to possess. As I began to understand how powerful our cycles are, I began to step into that.

My first encounter with MCA was reading a book called Wild Power (ref at the end) which outlines the power of your own cyclical rhythm AKA your period. What I once knew as a once a month occurrence, I learnt was an intricate process that was part of each and every day. The book outlines a clear map of the rhythms a woman experiences during her menstruating years, akin to the seasons of the year. Inner Winter represents menstruation (day 1) through to Inner Spring (day 7-14), Inner Summer (day 14-21) and Inner Autumn (day 21-28 ish). 

@cocoa.yoga

The book thoroughly noted the effects of these different phases and how energy levels, emotions, appetite, intuition among other elements ebb and flow through the course of a month. Notably different to the unrealistic expectations I had placed on myself that I should be the same everyday. I began to understand my own rhythms and became much kinder to myself about my changing moods, appetite and energy levels. Nothing was my fault! I hadn’t failed in any way, this was completely natural! I could embrace the phases and tap into the different energies I was experiencing for example tuning into reflection during my winter and my more ‘get shit done’ vibe during my autumn. I could even begin to predict when my inner critic (the mean voice!) was going to pipe up and consciously be kinder to myself at this time. I began to notice that if I paid attention to the painful cramps I experienced during menstruation and took the rest my body was asking for then they would ease.

As each month went by and I became more connected to myself, my cycle became regular and as my body began to soften, so did I. I found myself being more honest in my relationships, less afraid to set boundaries and more self-aware. I began to feel more in the moment as emotions came up, I gave myself the space to honour rather than run from them. I felt hungry again, I remembered what it felt like to listen and adapted a more intuitive way of eating and moving my body. Finding a way to practice Yoga that felt like a choice rather than part of my regimented scheme. The positive effects of getting to know my own cycle have rippled their way into so many aspects of my life. I feel empowered and proud to be a woman. Not ashamed or like I need to play it small anymore. It's truly felt like a coming home and a cutting of the ties that weighed me down. I am beyond grateful for discovering Menstrual Cycle Awareness.

@fulltangvisual

@fulltangvisual

If you’d like to learn more, some resources I would recommend:

Wild Power by Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer

Yoni Shakti by Uma Dinsmore-Tuli PhD

In the Flo by Alisa Vitti

20 lessons from 2020

2020...to say it's been a weird one is a bit of an understatement but naturally as the year comes to a close I’ve felt pretty reflective and wanted to share what I’ve learnt. To remind myself that despite the doom and gloom (I don’t watch the news but its almost impossible not to hear about it!) a lot of positive stuff has come from the last 12 months. So here goes:

1. Routine is everything. Sounds obvious, right? But until you don't really have one, routine has always felt, well, routine. Little did I realise how key it was to my mental health. Doing some things at the same time each day helps me to feel grounded and able to deal with the unknowns. My morning routine is essential to this - movement, journaling and fresh air. Then work starts. 

2. Little steps, every day amount to bigger goals. I’m the kind of gal who’ll put a million things on my to-do-list then wonder why I feel overwhelmed and frustrated with myself when I haven't finished it. Going from employed to self-employed was definitely more of a shocker than I ever imagined and setting myself these massive goals with no direction made me feel like I'd failed. This year has taught me to slow down and just do a little at a time and trust that it will add up to where I want to get to.

3. Accountability is necessary. I totally underestimated the power of accountability in getting shit done, without it I am a procrastinating queen. Now, my boyfriend and I will share our to-do-lists and hold each other to it. I am way more productive this way!

4. Have patience - don’t rush the process. I am learning to be aware when my impatience is actually pulling me away from the present moment and therefore making me feel crappy. This year has forced me to think about what I can do today instead of worrying about tomorrow.

5. If I stay connected to myself, all is okay. When I’ve lost this, everything can feel a bit lonely and overwhelming. It's harder to connect with others and to keep giving. I felt pretty disconnected from my own yoga practice mid-year and it made me feel drained. Re-connecting to it this side of the year has felt like I’ve put myself first again. It sounds cheesy but you have to fill up your own cup. 

6. It takes bravery to be vulnerable and vulnerability to feel connected. I have learnt to open up so much more this year and realised how easy it is for me to put a happy front on when I’m not feeling great. Moving away from that has felt incredibly freeing and made my relationships so much stronger.

7. Menstrual Cycle Awareness (MCA) changed my life. Learning about my cycle has totally changed my perception of myself and allowed me to truly tune into what it is I need. I didn't realise how important this 28 (ish) day rhythm was and how forcing myself to live purely on the 24 hour clock and expecting myself to be the same each day was affecting my health and happiness. If you’re interested, please go and read: ‘Wild Power’ by Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer.

8. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is nothing. This is something I really began to accept post MCA. I have really begun to see the value of giving myself space to just do nothing so I can process, listen and be open to inspiration. Filling every moment of time, blocks that all out.

9. A simple life is a happy life. It's very easy to get caught up in the more is more mentality, it's all around us but I’ve really come to realise that less is more. I feel at ease when the basics are covered like good food, sleep and movement. All the other ‘stuff’ is usually just a temporary ‘high’.

10. You are stronger than you think. It's amazing how adaptable and resilient we are as human beings. I never could have predicted going through a global pandemic and a miscarriage this year but here I am still standing. I feel like both those things have forced me to look at what's important to me, to distill the noise from the desire and to really prioritise my mental health over everything else.

11. Nature heals, always. I’ve always loved getting outside but moving to Brighton this year, I’ve totally embraced the power of the sea. I love tuning into my senses when I go to the beach seeing what I can hear, smell, touch. And getting in the water no matter how cold it is, is a sure fire way to get me out of a funk. Actual healing magic.

12. Focus on what you can control, not what you can’t. I am a recovering control freak and it's only in recent years I realised this has stemmed from anxiety. When I’m committed to the practices that help me to find ease, it begins to taper off and I can embrace the flow of life.

13. Listen to your heart. Life can change direction pretty quickly. Going with your heart over fear is not easy but it feels much better. I am learning to listen more and not allow the self-doubt to take over. 

14. Trusting yourself is key. I’ll often ask myself when feeling that doubt: ‘What if I trusted myself here?’. That anchor has helped me to move forwards with the things I really want even when they seem scary!

15. Always have a set of tools in your box. Life will always be stressful in one way or another, it's how you deal with it that counts. I’ve honed in on the tools that I know help me to feel better like journaling, nature, yoga and meditation. Knowing that they are always there means there’s action I can take to pull me out of a wobble.

16. Boundaries are your friend. As a recovering people pleaser this can be a tough one but I’ve learnt that it starts by being honest with myself. Understanding what I want in each moment and learning to communicate that clearly to the other person. Moving in with my mum at the beginning of the year and then my boyfriend have been good tests for this, it became easier over time and now is more of a habit. 

17. Journal. Every, single, day. Reading the ‘Artists Way’ by Julia Cameron solidified my relationship with journaling. I often used to journal when I remembered but doing this each morning has freed up mental space to allow me to get on with the day sans monkey mind. Its helped me to move through grief and anxiety and I hope to keep this habit as a constant in my life.

18. Creating is healing. Another positive outcome from the book is that it opened up my creative channels. I brought a watercolour set and have been following tutorials on youtube. When I took some time off work, it helped me to focus and relax. I also love how it's helping me to let go of ‘perfect’ and embrace being a beginner again!

19. Balance is everything. I’ll naturally lean into extremes with everything and in recent years particularly with food and exercise. I was an under-eater (plus strict vegan) and over-exerciser, it was my way of coping with stress. I have learnt to let go of this pattern this year and feel so much better for it. I feel more in tune with what my body needs and now choose to exercise/eat intuitively. 

20. Gratitude is great. Being more grateful for what I do have has been a great mindset shift. Each morning I’ll write one thing I'm grateful for on the fridge. Each time it gets to the end of the piece of paper, I’ll read it back and the same things always come up. Sleep, sunshine, friends, family, movement. It reminds me of what really makes me happy.

I’d love to hear your lessons!

Happy New Year!

Jo x

Spiritual?

I want to write a little about the truth behind ‘spirituality’ because I think there is a real misconception that going down that path is always dandy and joyful. Spirituality for me, has become much more of a journey in learning about myself. And on a level past the superficial and beyond the ego. It is not a simple and straightforward nor logical task like the mind would have me think but a far more slow, considered and intricate process. One that you cannot speed up or control but that you have to allow to unfold in its own time.

I realised that when I started to open up my mind to this stuff, I went down a big rabbit hole of reading all the books, listening to all the podcasts and watching every netflix doc. Gathering opinions from self-development experts, yoga masters and anyone who had something to say about living ‘mindfully’! I was hooked on it, I found it so fascinating that you could actually change your life by changing your mindset. It felt like I’d just discovered gold dust, like this secret (yup, i read that too!) that only a few people were in on, that you could just do what YOU wanted. It blew my mind. I wondered how I had been so unconscious in a lot of the choices I had made? However, instead of sitting with that and contemplating it, I went full speed ahead with info overload and decided it was best to force myself to ‘think positive’ all the time. And in turn ignore or brush over each time I had a negative thought or feeling. I full on convinced myself that if I controlled my thoughts, I could think myself ‘happy’.

And it worked...well kind of. Most of the time I was in this ‘good vibes only’ state but then it would come to the times I was still. Not reading, podcasting, socialising or running about like a happy, flappy being. That was when the feelings of discomfort would start to rise, I’d suddenly feel overwhelmed and empty. But of course, I would just bat those down and totally disregard anything ‘negative’ and judging myself for it! So in came more distractions and back in went those feelings. I look back now and realise that most of my life, I had become an expert at blocking feelings out and putting on a smiley face to hide them. This time around I was still doing it but by distracting myself with long walks, runs and even yoga began that way. I decided that because my distractions were healthy, they weren't distractions.

There is only so long you can do that before the shit hits the fan. It began to happen, some days everything would catch up with me and I would burst. Not only emotionally but my physical body would be exhausted from doing so much that I would not be able to get out of bed. I would blame illness and count down the days until I could get back to my hardcore routine of ‘living my best life’ x 100 speed. This happened a few times but still, I didn’t listen. I figured that because most of the time I felt good, these episodes were just ‘blips’.

My trip to India was the turning point. I had quit my job and the vigorous routine of filling every moment of the day. I had three months on my own, long journeys travelling from place to place with no plan except for my yoga training. It was the longest time I had ever spent alone in my life and it changed everything. For the first time, I had space, the space to process my experiences up until that point rather than moving from one thing to the next, to the next. That space was what allowed me to see the things I had run from.

During my yoga teacher training we sat in meditation for an hour everyday, I had only ever managed to sit still for about 10 minutes before so it was a big leap and really bloomin difficult to do! I felt so much internal resistance and could feel myself holding the tension in my body as well as my mind. Then as the weeks went by I noticed a shift, I began to surrender and allow things to unfold naturally. As this happened, I would often burst into tears afterwards releasing so much emotion that I had held onto for most of my life. The tears kept coming and coming. I would go to sit in my room afterwards and just lay still, allowing the emotions to leave my body. I felt so grateful for the friends I made on the course, we would sit and talk at meal times and share our feelings. Something that felt pretty alien to me until that point. I was always more concerned about coming across as ‘strong’ but now, I didn’t care. My meditation continued to evolve, I could sit for longer and began to enjoy the peace I found. I noticed the lightness I felt after such a release of emotions and the insights I was having on my life. Realising how much I had buried.

After teacher training, I spent time in the mountains near the Himalayas and lived a super simple life staying with a beautiful Indian family. We cooked, laughed and sang together, I practiced yoga every day at sunrise and took walks up the hills alone. I felt so calm and whole during that time, staying for ten days which when you travel is a long time to be in one place! I journaled a lot, thinking about how life could look when I returned home: the things I wanted to keep and the things I wanted to change. It was close to the end of the trip and naturally I felt nervous, I had no job to go back to and was about to start a new career. I also hadn’t seen my friends and family for so long nor been in the western world!

Everything hit me when I got back and I knew that it was time to stop running. I dropped the act and went to therapy. I opened up, cried and forced myself to go when many times I’d kid myself ‘I don’t need this!’. I began to see what my triggers were, the unconscious behaviours I was repeating and the events in my life that had led to that point. I started to unpick my roots from a place of compassion and began to understand that parents are also human with their own shit to heal! I began to work towards making peace with the whole of me rather than only focusing on the ‘positive’ and the parts I liked, I started to see all sides. That was hard because we are in a world that labels everything ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and makes you feel shameful about the ‘bad’ things. Anything from looks, personality traits you may possess or the state of your mental health. When I became aware of how much I was always putting on a brave face for others, I became aware of how much resistance had built up in me. That resistance is the feeling of unease.

Spirituality is going beyond the surface stuff, having a big dig and a root around: regularly. Not just when it's easy and ya feeling great but when you really don’t want to. Just like when you’ve had a big row or hangry attack and its time to drop the ego. It's a commitment to accepting that you will never have it all figured out, be fully ‘healed’ or stop engaging in unconscious behaviour. It’s just a promise that you will keep bringing yourself back to a place of awareness. Being the observer without the self-judgement and unkindness. Accepting that you are exactly where you are meant to be (cheesy, but true!) and that we are all on our own long ass journey of working that out.

And no one, not even you, does it perfectly.

telling perfectionism to f**k off

I have been putting off writing this for a long time, have procrastinated in the most ridiculous ways and with lock down, I have been gifted some more time…I used that for more procrastination.

It’s hard fighting the belief that sharing things in the public space is ‘showing off’, ‘drawing attention’ to yourself or being sort of ‘selfish’ when hear that so much throughout our lives. But actually I’ve come to realise that if I cannot share the things that have helped me, then what would have been the point of these experiences, lessons, hardships and rock bottoms!

So here I am, sat on a make-shift floor cushion having just moved into a new flat in Brighton. That was my excuse before ‘oh I’m not in the right space, I need my own place, I need quiet’ so what now? Before sitting here I ate a few snacks, made a cup of tea, oh and considered doing a spot of cleaning. Of course. Pro-crastination. She doesn’t stay behind in old places. You don’t suddenly change because you’ve moved flat! This got me thinking about what is it blocking me, what is it that blocks us from following the calls to do, share and live what we love? I think it comes down to the fear of not being good enough. Its perfectionism rearing its ugly head. That mind chat that says that I shouldn’t try because ‘there’s already so many people doing this’ or ‘I won’t be as good’ or ‘I’ve never done it before’.

@fulltangvisual

Perfectionism is something I have struggled with my whole life. This crazy idea that if I don’t present my best, and only my best self to the world, then I won’t be accepted. And really that means loved. I delved deeply into a career that obsessed over perfectionism, things had to be ‘right’ or you could have a client screaming at you telling you otherwise. I would only see friends when I felt good, otherwise I’d make up excuses and stay home actually feeling massive FOMO. I would pretend everything was okay in relationships and breed resentment. And the most important relationship, with myself, was a continuous horrible running commentary of not being [blank] enough.

It makes you wonder how at nearing the 29 mark I’m just realising that, that sh*t is not ok. I am worthy of love first and foremost to myself. And don’t get me wrong, this stuff is not an overnight epiphany, it’s a bloody long, working progress, always. I went through and still do therapy, I’ve sat in meditation, practice yoga regularly but now know that these things were never there to ‘fix’ me! This journey is about acceptance, learning who you are and facing that big fat elephant in the room a.k.a. caring about what people think (or at least what you think, they’ll think!). And yes, that is sometimes only momentary and usually happens when you’ve slept well, ate well, moved and seen your friends.

@fulltangvisual

Perfectionism is a creativity k.i.l.l.e.r it’s the ‘oh you’ve got an idea, have you?’, ‘well I wouldn’t bother’ little voice. I have always told myself this story that I am ‘not creative’ despite as a kid always wanting to sing, dance and act. I loved writing, crafting, cooking, all sorts. But as I grew up, I felt like I needed to be ‘serious’. That all that stuff wouldn’t be career worthy. So I stopped. Like I’m sure a lot of us do when we are told or overhear what ‘proper jobs’ look like and that if we want to go down that route it will be ‘hard’ and only the ‘lucky’ ones will make it. As I went down the corporate path and ‘climbed the ladder’ my perfectionist nature only grew and grew. The more ‘perfect’ you were at your job, the better the title, more praise (love) and money. It was how it worked. Then of course there’s how you present yourself, looking a certain way to fit the mould that society says is ‘beautiful’, the more you look like ‘them’, the better you will feel, right? The more I fit into the mould, the further I was growing from myself. Like the friend I had lost touch with and no longer had anything in common with. I got the great job, the look, the everything – the ‘perfect’. But I got ‘there’ not knowing who I was. Nobody told you that, right? Where was the singing, the dancing, creating, the crazy curly hair? I had spent so much time trying to be perfect, to make everything how it ‘should’ be, I’d not given myself the space to tune into those things I loved, had always loved.

As my yoga practice evolved, spending time being still and really, since starting to teach. I have realised how much my perfectionism has gotten in the way of me doing the things I really want to do. How not allowing myself the freedom to let things be imperfect, a bit chaotic, random, silly or weird – I have held back on many things. That’s where teaching yoga has helped me to grow so much because I became a beginner again at something. I did not know it all, still don’t and never will and in order to move forwards I needed to accept that that was okay. If I didn’t, then where would I go? Back to corporate life, because that is safe and I know how to play that role. I am at the point now where I don’t want to play any roles, I don’t want to smile when I am unhappy, I don’t want to do things to please others when I am going against what I want, I don’t want to keep quiet if something doesn’t sit with me, I don’t want to straighten my curly hair (!). It’s exhausting. Perfectionism can f**k off. And that is why this is here. I hope it helps anyone with perfectionist tendencies, to also face the big elephant in the room and go do it anyway!