I want to write a little about the truth behind ‘spirituality’ because I think there is a real misconception that going down that path is always dandy and joyful. Spirituality for me, has become much more of a journey in learning about myself. And on a level past the superficial and beyond the ego. It is not a simple and straightforward nor logical task like the mind would have me think but a far more slow, considered and intricate process. One that you cannot speed up or control but that you have to allow to unfold in its own time.

I realised that when I started to open up my mind to this stuff, I went down a big rabbit hole of reading all the books, listening to all the podcasts and watching every netflix doc. Gathering opinions from self-development experts, yoga masters and anyone who had something to say about living ‘mindfully’! I was hooked on it, I found it so fascinating that you could actually change your life by changing your mindset. It felt like I’d just discovered gold dust, like this secret (yup, i read that too!) that only a few people were in on, that you could just do what YOU wanted. It blew my mind. I wondered how I had been so unconscious in a lot of the choices I had made? However, instead of sitting with that and contemplating it, I went full speed ahead with info overload and decided it was best to force myself to ‘think positive’ all the time. And in turn ignore or brush over each time I had a negative thought or feeling. I full on convinced myself that if I controlled my thoughts, I could think myself ‘happy’.

And it worked...well kind of. Most of the time I was in this ‘good vibes only’ state but then it would come to the times I was still. Not reading, podcasting, socialising or running about like a happy, flappy being. That was when the feelings of discomfort would start to rise, I’d suddenly feel overwhelmed and empty. But of course, I would just bat those down and totally disregard anything ‘negative’ and judging myself for it! So in came more distractions and back in went those feelings. I look back now and realise that most of my life, I had become an expert at blocking feelings out and putting on a smiley face to hide them. This time around I was still doing it but by distracting myself with long walks, runs and even yoga began that way. I decided that because my distractions were healthy, they weren't distractions.

There is only so long you can do that before the shit hits the fan. It began to happen, some days everything would catch up with me and I would burst. Not only emotionally but my physical body would be exhausted from doing so much that I would not be able to get out of bed. I would blame illness and count down the days until I could get back to my hardcore routine of ‘living my best life’ x 100 speed. This happened a few times but still, I didn’t listen. I figured that because most of the time I felt good, these episodes were just ‘blips’.

My trip to India was the turning point. I had quit my job and the vigorous routine of filling every moment of the day. I had three months on my own, long journeys travelling from place to place with no plan except for my yoga training. It was the longest time I had ever spent alone in my life and it changed everything. For the first time, I had space, the space to process my experiences up until that point rather than moving from one thing to the next, to the next. That space was what allowed me to see the things I had run from.

During my yoga teacher training we sat in meditation for an hour everyday, I had only ever managed to sit still for about 10 minutes before so it was a big leap and really bloomin difficult to do! I felt so much internal resistance and could feel myself holding the tension in my body as well as my mind. Then as the weeks went by I noticed a shift, I began to surrender and allow things to unfold naturally. As this happened, I would often burst into tears afterwards releasing so much emotion that I had held onto for most of my life. The tears kept coming and coming. I would go to sit in my room afterwards and just lay still, allowing the emotions to leave my body. I felt so grateful for the friends I made on the course, we would sit and talk at meal times and share our feelings. Something that felt pretty alien to me until that point. I was always more concerned about coming across as ‘strong’ but now, I didn’t care. My meditation continued to evolve, I could sit for longer and began to enjoy the peace I found. I noticed the lightness I felt after such a release of emotions and the insights I was having on my life. Realising how much I had buried.

After teacher training, I spent time in the mountains near the Himalayas and lived a super simple life staying with a beautiful Indian family. We cooked, laughed and sang together, I practiced yoga every day at sunrise and took walks up the hills alone. I felt so calm and whole during that time, staying for ten days which when you travel is a long time to be in one place! I journaled a lot, thinking about how life could look when I returned home: the things I wanted to keep and the things I wanted to change. It was close to the end of the trip and naturally I felt nervous, I had no job to go back to and was about to start a new career. I also hadn’t seen my friends and family for so long nor been in the western world!

Everything hit me when I got back and I knew that it was time to stop running. I dropped the act and went to therapy. I opened up, cried and forced myself to go when many times I’d kid myself ‘I don’t need this!’. I began to see what my triggers were, the unconscious behaviours I was repeating and the events in my life that had led to that point. I started to unpick my roots from a place of compassion and began to understand that parents are also human with their own shit to heal! I began to work towards making peace with the whole of me rather than only focusing on the ‘positive’ and the parts I liked, I started to see all sides. That was hard because we are in a world that labels everything ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and makes you feel shameful about the ‘bad’ things. Anything from looks, personality traits you may possess or the state of your mental health. When I became aware of how much I was always putting on a brave face for others, I became aware of how much resistance had built up in me. That resistance is the feeling of unease.

Spirituality is going beyond the surface stuff, having a big dig and a root around: regularly. Not just when it's easy and ya feeling great but when you really don’t want to. Just like when you’ve had a big row or hangry attack and its time to drop the ego. It's a commitment to accepting that you will never have it all figured out, be fully ‘healed’ or stop engaging in unconscious behaviour. It’s just a promise that you will keep bringing yourself back to a place of awareness. Being the observer without the self-judgement and unkindness. Accepting that you are exactly where you are meant to be (cheesy, but true!) and that we are all on our own long ass journey of working that out.

And no one, not even you, does it perfectly.

I have been putting off writing this for a long time, have procrastinated in the most ridiculous ways and with lock down, I have been gifted some more time…I used that for more procrastination.

It’s hard fighting the belief that sharing things in the public space is ‘showing off’, ‘drawing attention’ to yourself or being sort of ‘selfish’ when hear that so much throughout our lives. But actually I’ve come to realise that if I cannot share the things that have helped me, then what would have been the point of these experiences, lessons, hardships and rock bottoms!

So here I am, sat on a make-shift floor cushion having just moved into a new flat in Brighton. That was my excuse before ‘oh I’m not in the right space, I need my own place, I need quiet’ so what now? Before sitting here I ate a few snacks, made a cup of tea, oh and considered doing a spot of cleaning. Of course. Pro-crastination. She doesn’t stay behind in old places. You don’t suddenly change because you’ve moved flat! This got me thinking about what is it blocking me, what is it that blocks us from following the calls to do, share and live what we love? I think it comes down to the fear of not being good enough. Its perfectionism rearing its ugly head. That mind chat that says that I shouldn’t try because ‘there’s already so many people doing this’ or ‘I won’t be as good’ or ‘I’ve never done it before’.

Perfectionism is something I have struggled with my whole life. This crazy idea that if I don’t present my best, and only my best self to the world, then I won’t be accepted. And really that means loved. I delved deeply into a career that obsessed over perfectionism, things had to be ‘right’ or you could have a client screaming at you telling you otherwise. I would only see friends when I felt good, otherwise I’d make up excuses and stay home actually feeling massive FOMO. I would pretend everything was okay in relationships and breed resentment. And the most important relationship, with myself, was a continuous horrible running commentary of not being [blank] enough.

It makes you wonder how at nearing the 29 mark I’m just realising that, that sh*t is not ok. I am worthy of love first and foremost to myself. And don’t get me wrong, this stuff is not an overnight epiphany, it’s a bloody long, working progress, always. I went through and still do therapy, I’ve sat in meditation, practice yoga regularly but now know that these things were never there to ‘fix’ me! This journey is about acceptance, learning who you are and facing that big fat elephant in the room a.k.a. caring about what people think (or at least what you think, they’ll think!). And yes, that is sometimes only momentary and usually happens when you’ve slept well, ate well, moved and seen your friends.

Perfectionism is a creativity k.i.l.l.e.r it’s the ‘oh you’ve got an idea, have you?’, ‘well I wouldn’t bother’ little voice. I have always told myself this story that I am ‘not creative’ despite as a kid always wanting to sing, dance and act. I loved writing, crafting, cooking, all sorts. But as I grew up, I felt like I needed to be ‘serious’. That all that stuff wouldn’t be career worthy. So I stopped. Like I’m sure a lot of us do when we are told or overhear what ‘proper jobs’ look like and that if we want to go down that route it will be ‘hard’ and only the ‘lucky’ ones will make it. As I went down the corporate path and ‘climbed the ladder’ my perfectionist nature only grew and grew. The more ‘perfect’ you were at your job, the better the title, more praise (love) and money. It was how it worked. Then of course there’s how you present yourself, looking a certain way to fit the mould that society says is ‘beautiful’, the more you look like ‘them’, the better you will feel, right? The more I fit into the mould, the further I was growing from myself. Like the friend I had lost touch with and no longer had anything in common with. I got the great job, the look, the everything – the ‘perfect’. But I got ‘there’ not knowing who I was. Nobody told you that, right? Where was the singing, the dancing, creating, the crazy curly hair? I had spent so much time trying to be perfect, to make everything how it ‘should’ be, I’d not given myself the space to tune into those things I loved, had always loved.

As my yoga practice evolved, spending time being still and really, since starting to teach. I have realised how much my perfectionism has gotten in the way of me doing the things I really want to do. How not allowing myself the freedom to let things be imperfect, a bit chaotic, random, silly or weird – I have held back on many things. That’s where teaching yoga has helped me to grow so much because I became a beginner again at something. I did not know it all, still don’t and never will and in order to move forwards I needed to accept that that was okay. If I didn’t, then where would I go? Back to corporate life, because that is safe and I know how to play that role. I am at the point now where I don’t want to play any roles, I don’t want to smile when I am unhappy, I don’t want to do things to please others when I am going against what I want, I don’t want to keep quiet if something doesn’t sit with me, I don’t want to straighten my curly hair (!). It’s exhausting. Perfectionism can f**k off. And that is why this is here. I hope it helps anyone with perfectionist tendencies, to also face the big elephant in the room and go do it anyway!

Spiritual?

telling perfectionism to f**k off