If you’d have told me a few years ago that I’d be openly talking about periods with my friends, family and on social media I would have laughed. After being on the pill for most of my adult life (10 years!?) I only ever saw my periods as an inconvenience and it just felt like the ‘done thing’ to pump your body with artificial hormones to ‘deal’ with it. Not realising that by doing this I was changing not only my hormonal balance but my own chemistry. That seemingly small decision would affect my energy levels, mental health, appetite and even what ‘mate’ I chose (might explain some of my exes!). But really, as a 15 year old sat in a doctor's office complaining of bad cramps - you’re going to say yes to the ‘magic pill’. Fast forward ten years, after a break up I started to question my choices and why the fuck I just kept taking this pill without thought. I stopped. And started to learn the many reasons why the pill is not such a great idea. I will save that for another post!

I expected my period to just come back but I waited, waited and waited. During that time, I fell into disordered eating and over-exercising, it was a way of coping with the sheer overwhelm I felt. I hadn’t yet found a way to deal with my emotions, from a young age I developed the belief that it was best to keep those to yourself. So in times of stress, I would turn to controlling my food and exercise as a way to feel like I had a hold on life. I had created so many rules for myself that they began to dictate what I could/couldn’t do and were accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame for anytime I stepped outside of these.

The sad thing was that as time went on and my body lost its curves, I was praised by people for looking ‘great’ and the ‘best I ever had’ and this only fuelled me further. It's not their fault but sadly as a society we’ve been programmed to think it's okay, even ‘normal’ to comment on people's weight. I looked ‘great’ on the outside but no one knew about the brain fog, the exhaustion at the end of the day or those when I couldn’t get out of bed because my adrenals had crashed. Nor that I hadn’t had a period for two years (12 in reality as the pill isn’t a real bleed). The term for this is secondary amenorrhea. I went to several doctors appointments, blood tests and scans and was later mis-diagnosed with PCOS. I remember being asked about diet and exercise but was never questioned too much. It was only when my family started to prod about it that my defensive reaction was a sign that I knew it was playing a part. Around this time I also started practicing Yoga. I regularly went to two classes, one which felt like a moving meditation which left me feeling re-fuelled and another Ashtanga style practice that fuelled my punishing regime. I knew deep down which one felt better for me. Fast forward and I left for India. Still in this unhealthy cycle. Still no period.

After I returned, I knew things had to change. Pushing myself to the limits all the time was not serving me AT ALL. As I slowed down, signs of my cycle returning started to happen and later that year I had my first period in two years (12!). I’d never been so happy to see it, so over the moon that I vowed to do what I could to never lose my cycle again. Last year marked that turning point for me. I became unstuck from the unhealthy cycle of under-eating and over-exercising. And gained a regular period in return. Learning about Menstrual Cycle Awareness (MCA) was that point. Understanding the different phases of my menstrual cycle and how they affected me physically, emotionally and spiritually has made space for me to start healing my relationship with my feminine. A side of me I suppressed for many years for fear of being told I’m too ‘sensitive’ or too ‘emotional’ as if they were ‘bad’ traits to possess. As I began to understand how powerful our cycles are, I began to step into that.

My first encounter with MCA was reading a book called Wild Power (ref at the end) which outlines the power of your own cyclical rhythm AKA your period. What I once knew as a once a month occurrence, I learnt was an intricate process that was part of each and every day. The book outlines a clear map of the rhythms a woman experiences during her menstruating years, akin to the seasons of the year. Inner Winter represents menstruation (day 1) through to Inner Spring (day 7-14), Inner Summer (day 14-21) and Inner Autumn (day 21-28 ish).

The book thoroughly noted the effects of these different phases and how energy levels, emotions, appetite, intuition among other elements ebb and flow through the course of a month. Notably different to the unrealistic expectations I had placed on myself that I should be the same everyday. I began to understand my own rhythms and became much kinder to myself about my changing moods, appetite and energy levels. Nothing was my fault! I hadn’t failed in any way, this was completely natural! I could embrace the phases and tap into the different energies I was experiencing for example tuning into reflection during my winter and my more ‘get shit done’ vibe during my autumn. I could even begin to predict when my inner critic (the mean voice!) was going to pipe up and consciously be kinder to myself at this time. I began to notice that if I paid attention to the painful cramps I experienced during menstruation and took the rest my body was asking for then they would ease.

As each month went by and I became more connected to myself, my cycle became regular and as my body began to soften, so did I. I found myself being more honest in my relationships, less afraid to set boundaries and more self-aware. I began to feel more in the moment as emotions came up, I gave myself the space to honour rather than run from them. I felt hungry again, I remembered what it felt like to listen and adapted a more intuitive way of eating and moving my body. Finding a way to practice Yoga that felt like a choice rather than part of my regimented scheme. The positive effects of getting to know my own cycle have rippled their way into so many aspects of my life. I feel empowered and proud to be a woman. Not ashamed or like I need to play it small anymore. It's truly felt like a coming home and a cutting of the ties that weighed me down. I am beyond grateful for discovering Menstrual Cycle Awareness.

If you’d like to learn more, some resources I would recommend:

Wild Power by Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer

Yoni Shakti by Uma Dinsmore-Tuli PhD

In the Flo by Alisa Vitti