I have been putting off writing this for a long time, have procrastinated in the most ridiculous ways and with lock down, I have been gifted some more time…I used that for more procrastination.

It’s hard fighting the belief that sharing things in the public space is ‘showing off’, ‘drawing attention’ to yourself or being sort of ‘selfish’ when hear that so much throughout our lives. But actually I’ve come to realise that if I cannot share the things that have helped me, then what would have been the point of these experiences, lessons, hardships and rock bottoms!

So here I am, sat on a make-shift floor cushion having just moved into a new flat in Brighton. That was my excuse before ‘oh I’m not in the right space, I need my own place, I need quiet’ so what now? Before sitting here I ate a few snacks, made a cup of tea, oh and considered doing a spot of cleaning. Of course. Pro-crastination. She doesn’t stay behind in old places. You don’t suddenly change because you’ve moved flat! This got me thinking about what is it blocking me, what is it that blocks us from following the calls to do, share and live what we love? I think it comes down to the fear of not being good enough. Its perfectionism rearing its ugly head. That mind chat that says that I shouldn’t try because ‘there’s already so many people doing this’ or ‘I won’t be as good’ or ‘I’ve never done it before’.

Perfectionism is something I have struggled with my whole life. This crazy idea that if I don’t present my best, and only my best self to the world, then I won’t be accepted. And really that means loved. I delved deeply into a career that obsessed over perfectionism, things had to be ‘right’ or you could have a client screaming at you telling you otherwise. I would only see friends when I felt good, otherwise I’d make up excuses and stay home actually feeling massive FOMO. I would pretend everything was okay in relationships and breed resentment. And the most important relationship, with myself, was a continuous horrible running commentary of not being [blank] enough.

It makes you wonder how at nearing the 29 mark I’m just realising that, that sh*t is not ok. I am worthy of love first and foremost to myself. And don’t get me wrong, this stuff is not an overnight epiphany, it’s a bloody long, working progress, always. I went through and still do therapy, I’ve sat in meditation, practice yoga regularly but now know that these things were never there to ‘fix’ me! This journey is about acceptance, learning who you are and facing that big fat elephant in the room a.k.a. caring about what people think (or at least what you think, they’ll think!). And yes, that is sometimes only momentary and usually happens when you’ve slept well, ate well, moved and seen your friends.

Perfectionism is a creativity k.i.l.l.e.r it’s the ‘oh you’ve got an idea, have you?’, ‘well I wouldn’t bother’ little voice. I have always told myself this story that I am ‘not creative’ despite as a kid always wanting to sing, dance and act. I loved writing, crafting, cooking, all sorts. But as I grew up, I felt like I needed to be ‘serious’. That all that stuff wouldn’t be career worthy. So I stopped. Like I’m sure a lot of us do when we are told or overhear what ‘proper jobs’ look like and that if we want to go down that route it will be ‘hard’ and only the ‘lucky’ ones will make it. As I went down the corporate path and ‘climbed the ladder’ my perfectionist nature only grew and grew. The more ‘perfect’ you were at your job, the better the title, more praise (love) and money. It was how it worked. Then of course there’s how you present yourself, looking a certain way to fit the mould that society says is ‘beautiful’, the more you look like ‘them’, the better you will feel, right? The more I fit into the mould, the further I was growing from myself. Like the friend I had lost touch with and no longer had anything in common with. I got the great job, the look, the everything – the ‘perfect’. But I got ‘there’ not knowing who I was. Nobody told you that, right? Where was the singing, the dancing, creating, the crazy curly hair? I had spent so much time trying to be perfect, to make everything how it ‘should’ be, I’d not given myself the space to tune into those things I loved, had always loved.

As my yoga practice evolved, spending time being still and really, since starting to teach. I have realised how much my perfectionism has gotten in the way of me doing the things I really want to do. How not allowing myself the freedom to let things be imperfect, a bit chaotic, random, silly or weird – I have held back on many things. That’s where teaching yoga has helped me to grow so much because I became a beginner again at something. I did not know it all, still don’t and never will and in order to move forwards I needed to accept that that was okay. If I didn’t, then where would I go? Back to corporate life, because that is safe and I know how to play that role. I am at the point now where I don’t want to play any roles, I don’t want to smile when I am unhappy, I don’t want to do things to please others when I am going against what I want, I don’t want to keep quiet if something doesn’t sit with me, I don’t want to straighten my curly hair (!). It’s exhausting. Perfectionism can f**k off. And that is why this is here. I hope it helps anyone with perfectionist tendencies, to also face the big elephant in the room and go do it anyway!